You may be a Christian young person who is seeking to honour God by following His good design and keeping sex for marriage. If you hold this right ambition, it is in a society where young people are marrying later than ever. This opens up the possibility of a series of relationships (even without sexual intimacy). It is possible, even commonplace, to break up many times before marriage. We are often told that learning to deal with relationships breaking up is just part of growing up so is there any harm in serial relationships before finally settling down to marry?
Taylor Swift is well known for writing songs about breakups and how they affect her. An article in the Telegraph recently recorded 11 relationships since 2008. Her song ‘Forever and always’ has these lyrics:
‘Cause I was there when you said, “Forever and always”
You didn’t mean it baby,
You said, “Forever and always“
So what might be the harm in serial relationships and breakups?
- You may get hurt several times over and this could make a lasting impression. Some will tell you that relationship breakdown is part of normal life and that you just need to get used to dealing with. But getting used to being hurt is likely to make it harder to commit to future relationships and perhaps easier to break up if you hold back from commitment to avoid the pain. By having serial relationships and multiple break-ups, you will be effectively “practising the trauma of divorce” and so the more relationship break-ups you have, the harder it could be to get married and stay married.
- The state of going out is not always a good preparation for marriage. For example, you might get used to the conditional love of going out (e.g. “as long as it suits us both’’ or “as long as you satisfy my needs”) rather than the unconditional committed love of marriage (for better for worse…for richer for poorer). It could train you into bad habits by never experiencing the importance and cost of commitment in a relationship.
- No-one is perfect, we are all sinful. Serial relationships can lead you to have unrealistic expectations and be always looking for something better. The new trend of “talking” with someone you might be interested in dating often leads to some people “talking” to several potential dating partners all at the same time. This ‘semi-dating’ state without any commitment can lead to much hurt and confusion on the part of the other person, but can also encourage feelings of constant dissatisfaction and an unhelpful and unrealistic search for the perfect partner, a perfect partner that you will never find.
- You might also experience enduring emotions for someone else which invade your marriage relationship. You might struggle with comparisons to your wife/husband.
Much of this can be avoided by deciding that you will only go out with someone if marrying them is a real possibility. This used to be called ‘courtship’ and there is godly wisdom in this approach. It will make you more discriminating in who you go out with. It shows respect for the other person, acknowledges the importance of marriage, and is likely to avoid much misunderstanding and hurt.
