Does this advice surprise you? You might be thinking that there is room for a more relaxed approach to dating or going out?
You may have practical reservations. Could this not crank up unhelpful pressure? Might the recurring question ‘could she make a suitable wife or husband for me?’ be a distraction when you are just getting to know each other?
Not all Christians agree with this, but we believe it is wise to only date someone you could consider marrying.
Why? From God’s perspective, what is the purpose of pairing up as boyfriend and girlfriend? What is it all about? There is little or no mention in the Bible of ‘going out’ and certainly not a hint that it is for its own sake. There are only examples of ‘pre-marriage’ and marriage (for example, in the account of Ruth and Boaz). It seems sensible therefore to presume that the purpose of dating/going out is to see how you get on, with a view to a possible life-long commitment, which God has designed to be marriage.
To support this, here are some of the dangers of a more casual (recreational) approach to dating without a longer-term perspective. This is followed by some practical benefits of only dating with a view to marriage.
Dangers of recreational dating
If you go into a relationship lightly, there is a danger that you will mislead the other person. Short termism says, “she will be fun to pair up with for the summer” or “everyone else has a boy/girlfriend so I need one”. But in taking this sort of ‘recreational dating’ approach is there not a danger of misusing someone else? Serious mindedness about a relationship will protect you and others from a self-centred agenda.
You and your boyfriend/ girlfriend also run the risk of ‘giving your heart away’ followed by heartbreak when the relationship ends because at least one of you thought it wasn’t serious at the start. One thing to be particularly aware of is what is often known as the “talking” phase which in our society often precedes “dating” and frequently involves texting or messaging. A person may be “talking” to more than one potential “date” which could lead to misunderstanding. Extensive online conversations could also lead you to feel you know the other person better than you really do.
The other danger is that you may start off not intending the relationship to be serious but find yourself (or your boyfriend/girlfriend) falling in love or getting to a position where it is hard to break up despite the fact you know they would not be the right person to marry.
Benefits of only dating with a view to marriage
More time ‘unattached’ allows you to enjoy all kinds of God-honouring friendships, especially in groups, as well as the freedom and benefits of being single.
It also allows you the space to go through adolescence and the process of beginning to separate from parents without the complications of romantic relationships.
Implications when you are dating
Maintaining a high threshold approach to dating will require self-control (one expression of the fruit of the Spirit) and a serious-mindedness (Titus 2:6) which honours God and respects marriage. You will need to resist peer pressure from those around you who are pairing up, and perhaps from potential suitors.
You may worry that this approach will push you towards getting married too early or to the wrong person. You should ask the Lord for wisdom to keep a healthy balance between taking dating seriously and not feeling unhelpful pressure.
Be careful not to rush into a marriage just because you’re dating someone. (‘Everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty’ (Proverbs 21:5)). And avoid pressurising the relationship. You don’t necessarily need to be explicit about your high threshold approach (you will communicate your sincerity clearly in your manner), and doing so may make their mind race, or feel they are on trial! It is sensible, however, to have honest conversations right from the start to avoid misunderstandings about the nature of your friendship/relationship.
The ‘high threshold’ approach gives you a wise reason to stop going out if it becomes clear that marriage is no longer a possibility.
Stopping will be hard but it’s better than breaking an engagement. And of course, so much better than being married to someone unsuitable (which includes someone who isn’t a Christian which will be the subject of our next article).
