If you’re young and single, you might be tempted to think, “I know as a Christian I should only marry someone who’s a Christian, but dating’s different right? Surely, dating’s ok because I’m just getting to know them better, I’m not actually marrying them or anything”.
As we learned in our previous article on only dating someone you can marry, the “recreational dating” of our modern culture (i.e. dating just to have fun with someone rather than with a view to marriage) is likely to cause a lot of hurt and emotional harm (for the other party as well as for us). If you know you can’t marry them, then you shouldn’t be dating them full stop.
It’s very tempting though to try and justify it (first to yourself and then to others who are trying to counsel you against it) by saying things like…
“But there are hardly any Christians about who aren’t taken already so I’ll just end up all alone if I restrict myself to only dating Christians…”
It’s important to remember that God’s rules aren’t there to just be restrictive, but rather God’s ways are always the best for us.
The Bible says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14)
The imagery is that of two oxen who would be “yoked” together so they could pull a cart or a plough together. It wouldn’t work very well however if you yoked an ox with, say, a kangaroo. They would be mismatched (“unequally yoked”) and wouldn’t be able to pull effectively together in one direction.
If you’re “unequally yoked” with someone who’s not a Christian, your worldview, values and beliefs are misaligned. You’ll be pulling in completely opposite directions and the difference in priorities and eternal destiny will inevitably lead to hurt, distrust, heartache, loneliness and backsliding.
There’s also another danger when a believer dates an unbeliever: temptation to sexual sin is difficult enough when both parties are seeking purity and to honour God, but when one party doesn’t hold to that goal, then the temptation to compromise will be even greater.[1] Someone who’s not a Christian will pull you away from God, whereas a godly believer will be seeking to build up your faith for you to honour God together.
“But they seem really interested in Christianity so I’m helping to witness to them whilst we’re dating”
The “flirt to convert” phrase is often tossed about in conversations as a joke, but any use of attraction to introduce someone to Christ is not only deceitful, but likely to cause resentment and feelings of betrayal further down the line. The pressure they’ll feel to attend church or convert will cloud their judgment, making it more difficult for them to explore what they genuinely believe. And so you need to examine your motive. Do you truly want to see them accept Christ as their Saviour or is their salvation just a side goal in your main desire for a romantic relationship?
If you’re sincerely seeking their good, then introduce them to some godly Christians of their same sex who can come alongside them to encourage them in their faith. If they are genuinely interested in the gospel, they’ll be as happy to hear about it from them as from you.
“But I know couples at church where one spouse wasn’t a Christian when they first dated and now they’re both committed Christians and really happy”
Of course, there will be some “success stories” out there where the non-believer genuinely converts later on. However, these are examples of God showing grace and mercy in spite of the disobedience in starting the relationship. It doesn’t mean we should copy these examples, or that we can presume upon God’s grace if we deliberately proceed in disobedience and ill-wisdom.
There are far more examples of couples where sadly it’s worked out the other way (i.e. the Christian is pulled away from their faith by the non-Christian). We might not hear about this so much because they have moved so far away from Christianity that we won’t necessarily even know that that person previously considered themselves to be a Christian. (In the Bible God’s people were repeatedly warned not to intermarry with those of other faiths because an unbelieving spouse would turn God’s people from following God to serving false gods. [2])
“I didn’t intend to get involved with a non-Christian, but it just sort of happened and I accidentally fell in love”
Be careful who you spend most of your leisure time with –it’s good to prioritise Christian friendships with those who put God first in their lives. Getting romantically involved is most likely to happen if you spend a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex one-on-one, so if they’re not a Christian then we need to be especially careful to avoid spending too much individual time with them. Even if you are confident that you’re not attracted and “just good friends”, you could be taken by surprise if you spend a lot of time together. Furthermore, whatever our own feelings, we could still end up causing confusion and a lot of hurt if they didn’t realise that a romantic relationship wasn’t ever going to be a possibility.
These days, some people go through a period of just “talking” with someone. This is when a potential couple talk to each other on a more casual exploratory basis (usually via online means of communication rather than in person) . It’s important therefore not to confuse others into thinking that you’re “talking” with them with a view to starting a relationship rather than just being a platonic friend. Speaking openly about your views on only dating someone who is a Christian may help to avoid sending confusing messages to non-Christian friends.
Resolve to only date a Christian and trust God
What’s the purpose of the life of a believer? Jesus tells us in John 17:
Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.”
John 17:3
The believer lives to know – and in knowing, to love and honour – God through his Son Jesus Christ.
Seek God first then, and love and honour Him in your relationships by resolving to only date a Christian. And whether He brings you a spouse or not, trust that God is faithful, good and in control and He knows your deepest needs even better than you do yourself.
[1] Proverbs 12v26: The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
[2] Deuteronomy 7:3-4
