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If you’ve been dating someone for a while, at some point you’ll reach a place where either you both feel that you want to get married and so you get engaged, or by contrast, one or both of you realise that the relationship isn’t going to end in marriage and so it will be time to end the relationship.
But how do you know if it’s time to get engaged or to break-up?
Well, the Bible doesn’t give us a calendar or a set timetable. However, it’s worth considering a few factors:
Time to get engaged?
Don’t base decision on feelings alone
Firstly, it’s important to not base your decision purely on feelings. The first exciting stages of attraction, are often marked by the experience of butterflies in the stomach and a racing heart when the other person is near. Such feelings are often interpreted as “falling in love” and is a natural physical reaction to being attracted to someone. During this “infatuation stage”, feelings are very strong and can prevent you from seeing or thinking very clearly. In fact, when people say that “love is blind”, they refer to the fact that during the first stages of infatuation, people often have an idealised and unrealistic view of the other person and can literally be blind to their faults. Any physical intimacy can also cloud your judgment and make it harder to be objective, so don’t make any long-term decisions just based on feelings.[1]
Our culture seems to put “being in love” above all other factors, but heightened feelings of infatuation usually lower after a year or so, after which a healthy relationship might settle down into a deeper and more stable form of love, marked by appreciation and concern for their wellbeing. It would be a mistake therefore to rush into thinking that “they must be the one” just because you feel completely “head over heels in love” with them during the infatuation stage. Equally, if those first giddy feelings of being in love start to fade, that does not necessarily mean that you’ve “fallen out of love with them” and should break up simply because you no longer feel as besotted as you did at the beginning. Recognition (and forgiveness) of each other’s faults as well as each other’s qualities is an important part of a mature loving relationship.
Seek godliness and evidence of God’s work in their lives
It is easy to enjoy someone’s company whilst going out on some nice dates. But liking the same movies and the same flavour of pizza won’t be enough to build a strong marriage or get you through whatever trials may come in the future.
You need to have spent enough time with the other person to really know what they are like in lots of different contexts. Can you see God’s work in their lives? How do they resolve conflict? How do they react to stress or disappointment? How do they relate to your family? Are the fruits of the Spirit[2] evident in their life? Are they patient and kind? Self-controlled? Are they seeking God and serving sacrificially? Will they make a good father/mother to your children? It’s also worth seeking the counsel and opinion of wise mature Christians you trust who know you both.
We don’t know what troubles might lie ahead – unemployment, cancer, childlessness or bereavement. Who do we want to face those challenges with? Is this person someone who would hold my hand through months of chemotherapy, someone who would have the patience to raise a disabled child with me or walk alongside me in whatever trials we might face together?
Marriage is made up of two sinners and so marriage is always going to be difficult, so only get engaged after you’ve known the other person sufficiently well to be able to prayerfully consider if they might be a godly partner with whom you could build a God-centred life together.
Time to break-up?
If you now know the other person well enough to know that in fact you could not marry them, then it’s right to stop dating and to break up with them.
How do I break up with someone?
- Firstly, if you’re sure you can’t marry them then you should communicate this to them as soon as possible. Sometimes, people feel tempted to continue the relationship because they’re worried that they would feel lonely otherwise or because they just want someone to go to things with, but this would be unfair on the other person and will only lead to far greater hurt and damage to both parties in the long-run. The longer you stay together the harder it will be to break up, so don’t delay once you know you can’t marry them.
- Don’t just avoid them, make excuses for not seeing them or start being cold towards them in the hope that they get the idea. Speak to them honestly and as gently as possible – it would be respectful and best to do this in person rather than via text or over the telephone.
- You’ve probably had a lot of time to think things through before telling them, so allow the other person time to listen, process and ask questions. Be gracious and loving towards the other person remembering that they are also a child of God.
Getting over a break up…
- If someone you were hoping to marry has broken up with you, you might be feeling upset, disappointed, lonely and confused.
- Whilst you might want to stay friends, it’s normal to need some space and distance for a while at least to allow time for hearts to mend.
- Even if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend hasn’t behaved as well as they could have done towards you, fight against feelings of bitterness towards them and forgive them. Do good to that person as your Christian brother or sister, remembering how God has forgiven you. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you”. (Col 3:13)
- Remember that, however painful the break-up, God is both good and in control and He is working all things (including this break up) for your good[3] using trials of many kinds to refine and mature us[4]. Remember that your identity is in Christ so do not put your hope in any human relationship, but in the God who never fails us.
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
Psalm 27:13-14
[1] See “Dating Decisions…Boundaries and resisting temptations”
[2] Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
[3] Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
[4] James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance