Both in the US and Europe more men and women are being sexually active before getting married.
There is a relationship between the number of sexual relationships before marriage and the likelihood of divorce after marriage. The rate of divorce rises from 5% who began marriage as virgins, to 33% in those who have had 10 or more sexual partners.[1]
A number of reasons for this correlation have been put forward. One of the most obvious is, as one researcher put it, ‘a lot of partners means a lot of baggage, which makes a stable marriage less tenable.’[2]
Sex before marriage increases the potential for painful and unhelpful comparisons, a greater temptation to sexual dissatisfaction, and jealousy within marriage. Something has been given to (and even taken from) a previous partner that should only have been given away (and received) in marriage.
There are, of course, many other unwelcome consequences of not keeping sex for marriage. Sexually transmitted infections can be caught from multiple sexual partners. [3] Pre-marital sexual activity may result in single parenthood or abortion. These remind us of the wisdom of God’s command to keep sexual intimacy for marriage.
You may be thinking that this is all about having multiple sexually intimate relationships. But what if you know you are going to marry someone, do we really need to wait until you are married? Will having sex before you get married have an impact?
Genesis 2 makes clear that becoming husband and wife comes before becoming one flesh. This is God’s design and is therefore good, but why is this so important?
- Until you have made your wedding vows before God and your friends and family, you are not actually committed morally or legally. It is still relatively easy to change your mind at any time before marriage. Many people break off an engagement for good reasons, however painful this might be at the time.
- The more sexually intimate a relationship becomes the harder it is to be objective and make rational decisions about the future. Your decisions become led by your emotions (your heart) and your sexual desires rather than by your head informed by what the Bible says.
- There is something very special about saving this intimacy until after you have both made the lifelong commitment of marriage to each other.
- Becoming sexually intimate before you get married (when you know you shouldn’t) can leave you with feelings of guilt and could impact your sexual relationship once you are married.
It is important for you to think carefully about all of this well in advance so that you can make good decisions.[4]
What if you have already made mistakes? Don’t despair. God is willing to forgive you and, with His help, you can make a decision to do things differently. You can read an account of one couple who describe how they decided to stop having a sexually intimate relationship[5]. This is one quote from their account:
“We solidified our desire to get married — our relationship became better and stronger, and we got married four years later. On our wedding night, we had unshameful sex for the first time, which was incredibly special and rewarding.”
[1] N H Wolfinger. 6th June 2016. Counterintuitive trends in the link between premarital sex and marriage stability. Institute for Family Studies.
[2] N H Wolfinger. 6th June 2016. Counterintuitive trends in the link between premarital sex and marriage stability. Institute for Family Studies.
[3] https://lovewiseonline.org/safe-sex-is-it-really-safe/
[4] https://lovewiseonline.org/the-decision-before-the-decision/
[5] https://relationshipswell.com/my-husband-and-i-stopped-having-sex-before-marriage/
