The question young people often ask is “how far can we go?” or “how far is too far?”
As we have seen in previous articles in this series, how we behave in relationships is important. We have also seen in a previous series that God’s design for marriage brings many benefits.
We first begin to experience sexual attraction during puberty and this can lead to very strong feelings and sexual desires. Because we know that God intends for sexual intimacy to only be within the protective environment of a committed lifelong relationship (marriage), it’s important to consider carefully how we can remain pure, not simply for the sake of following rules but to honour God and seek His best for us.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.”
1 Corinthians 6:18
Instead of asking “how far can I go?” we should be listening to Paul’s direction to flee – or stay as far away as possible – from anything that might tempt us to sin. If we care about the dangers of falling over a cliff, we don’t stay as close to the edge as possible but keep a safe distance away.
Because all of us are tempted differently, these boundaries might be different for different people. Of course, in a relationship, it’s important to consider the other person and what might tempt them, as well as your own temptations.
Because we’re all different here are some principles, rather than specific ‘do’s and don’ts’.
Before dating:
- Think through sensible boundaries before difficult situations arise.
- Consider whether the content of films, music, books etc is unhelpful.
- Prioritise spending time with groups of friends/attending church activities.
- Avoid spending long periods of time alone with someone you are attracted to.
- Consider the way you dress and how it may affect others.
Once dating:
- Awkward though it may be, it’s important to have a frank conversation together very early on to agree what boundaries you’re going to put in place in order to keep your relationship pure. No one just drifts into godliness, but sadly it’s very easy to drift into sin. So be very intentional, be clear and be specific because general vague aims are unlikely to have much effect.
- If you make mistakes and cross lines you know you shouldn’t have, don’t then think that all is lost and just abandon those boundaries altogether because of your failure to keep to them. Rather, resolve to not cross those lines again and talk about practical steps which you can take to prevent its reoccurrence (eg not spending time together without others being around in the house or not spending time together after a certain time in the evening etc).
- Continue to prioritise spending time in groups/at church activities (serving God together is a great way to get to know each other).
- Make sure you each have a mature Christian friend you trust who you can confide in about things you’re struggling with and who can hold you accountable.
- Avoid unhelpful intensity (that is, emotional intimacy), which usually occurs when spending time alone together. This may pressurise one or both and encourage physical temptation.
- Avoid completely any situation which raises issues of temptation for either of you.
- Consider the impact of physical affection such as hand-holding, hugs and kissing[1] on your (and your boy/girlfriend’s) ability to resist temptation.
- If yours is a distance relationship and you don’t live in the same town, think carefully about how you can spend time with each other – be aware of the much greater danger of staying over and only go away on trips or holidays with a larger group of friends.
Remember God’s design is good – saving sexual intimacy for marriage is good. So the right question is not “how far can we go?” but “how can we keep ourselves pure?”
[1] See “Dating Decisions….kissing”
