Amongst Christians there are different views on kissing when ‘dating’ or ‘going out’ with someone of the opposite sex. Before we look at this, it is good to think more generally about kissing.
From everyday life we can see that there are various types of kissing. A kiss of any type will usually communicate appreciation. The Bible describes different types of kiss, depending on the context. Perhaps the biggest distinction is between non-sexual and sexual kissing.
The non-sexual kiss can be a way of saying hello (2 Samuel 14:33) or goodbye (Ruth 1:14) or letting a church (Romans 16:16) or family member (Genesis 48:10) know that you care for them.
The sexual kiss has been designed by God to be quite distinct. It is a kiss shared between husband and wife (Song of Solomon 1:2), a wonderful early step on the way to full intimacy. However, it is worth noting that even in marriage kissing does not always involve sexual arousal.
For anyone, Christian or not, kissing is an amazingly personal use of our bodies. A simple kiss on the cheek, just as a hand on the shoulder, may be effective in communicating care and affirmation, but, in the context of a romantic relationship, it is also likely to provoke strong emotions and raised hopes for the future. Anything more intimate than this is likely to arouse both partners, with inevitable temptation to go further. Such sexual arousal is a necessary part of sexual activity.
To kiss or not to kiss?
Some Christians decide not to kiss before they get married and they may do this for a number of reasons. If you have decided to follow God’s good design for sex and save it for marriage, then you need to consider:
- The more physically intimate your relationship becomes the more both of you will be affected if you break up.[1]
- Kissing causes sexual arousal and will make it harder to resist the temptation of sexual intimacy.
- Getting to know each other properly (without your judgment being clouded) is easier when strong emotions and sexual arousal have not been stirred up.
So in order to experience God’s best in our relationships, why not consider keeping kissing as something special for your husband or wife? You can show the sincerity of your love for someone by what you don’t do rather than what you do. Self-restraint honours the other one and says, ‘you are worth waiting for’.
Here is a personal story from a couple on this subject:
We’re writing as a married couple now. We kissed before we were married, and we had both kissed other people before we were together. That feels pretty strange now, and we would have much preferred to have only ever kissed each other!
Both of us made the mistake in our previous relationships of thinking something like ‘if this girl/guy wants to kiss me they must REALLY like me: they must be serious about me’ when actually that often isn’t the case. Wanting to kiss is not a good judge of how a relationship is going, but rather can cloud your judgement to see clearly how it is really going.
Our first kiss is a very special memory for us. But we actually made a decision to stop kissing while we were engaged because we wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. If we were really honest with ourselves, and each other, kissing didn’t help us to be patient. And it didn’t help me (Sam) to think about Rach in a pure and honouring way even when we were apart.
We would encourage you (especially girls) not to feel like you can’t say that you actually want to stop something you have begun, such as kissing. A godly man or woman will care about honouring you and the Lord. You don’t belong to each other until you’re married, there should be no expectations or sense of entitlement to kisses (or any other physical touch) until you’re married.
Sometimes we can feel nervous or awkward to suggest we want to stop or change something, but in some cases the other person is actually thinking the same thing and gathering the courage/waiting for the right moment to say it, or wishing we would! (It was this way for us)
Sometimes we also don’t always hold to the boundaries we set in place, because we’re weak. And because the physical attraction is very powerful between men and women – God made it that way! Don’t feel like failing to maintain a boundary, such as stopping kissing, has to mean giving up on it if it is actually a wise boundary. Have an honest conversation, ask for forgiveness, and re set it. (If our memory is right it was that way with us too!)
It can feel very tiresome and old fashioned to not even be kissing when you’d like to be doing more, and it seems like everyone else is! But it can be worth the waiting. For us it was wise. It’s worth maintaining boundaries that help you to be patient, honour each other and the Lord, and perhaps other godly people who are concerned about you. Going out is only a short time, but a time you will always remember. There are lots of ways to be romantic and, if you get married, a whole lifetime together to enjoy kissing!
If we could do it all over again, we would have both had our first kisses on our wedding day!
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